Pickup Lines
by Chibi StarLyte
Summary: Kieran has always competed against Oscar in everything, even without the green-haired man's consent. But now, in this contest of romance and wit, who will come out on top?


Ohmygosh, my first Fire Emblem fic! O-o

I've noticed that every time I update or publish a new fic, it's in the early hours of the morning...currently 3:20 AM where I am now! XP Good thing I have the day off work tomorrow.

Anyway, I've had this idea floating around in my brain for the longest time, and I've finally put it to paper--then typed it up. XD Oscar and Kieran is one of my favourite pairings in FE9/10, and I think they need more love. This fic was originally supposed to be a oneshot, but I'm making it a twoshot instead. Hehehe.

Well, without further ado, enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fire Emblem. Sad day. D;

--

Oscar fell to one knee, breathing heavily. He could barely grasp his steel lance in his tired fingers. Sweat soaked his hair and brows, the salty liquid dripping down the side of his face. His sparring partner, Kieran, who was equally exhausted, still managed to stay on his feet, though his grip on his steel axe faltered.

"One more go, you squinty fiend!" the red paladin said as he panted, allowing the tip of his weapon to puncture the dirt. He didn't have it in him to hold it upright any longer--his arms felt like solid lead bricks.

The green-haired man shook his head, perspiration droplets flying from his drenched locks. "No Kieran," he replied tiredly yet firmly. "Look at us…we can barely stand, let alone swing our weapons."

Kieran lost grip on his axe and it plummeted to the ground. "But…Oscar! You're my rival! I _have_ to beat you!"

"Kieran," Oscar snapped, squinting up at the axe wielder. "You and I have the same number of wins and losses. We've been at this for hours. Face it. We're evenly matched in battle skill."

The redhead huffed, his shoulders slouched, as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. "…Fine," he conceded. "I'm too tired to argue otherwise."

"That's a first," Oscar muttered. Thankfully, his "lifelong archrival" hadn't heard.

"But…I…what other kind of competition can we have?" Kieran said, his voice strained as he moved to sit cross-legged on the ground. Even without all his armor, his legs felt heavy, stiff, and sore. "Our skills are equivalent in every area…I'm all out of ideas!" he squeaked.

Oscar poked his chin in thought, allowing himself to fall back on his butt. This sure was a dilemma…the only competition he could think of was a cook-off, but the green-haired paladin had a feeling that he would triumph, thus making the odds unfair. So…what else could they do?

"Wait, I've got it!" Kieran announced, none-too-quietly. "I declare a contest of love!" His exclamation was soon followed by a hiss of pain--he'd pulled at an aching muscle in his shoulder by accident.

"Love, huh?" Oscar echoed, slightly amused. "And how do you propose we go about this contest?"

The redhead opened his mouth to speak, but paused. It was just the first idea that popped into his head; he hadn't figured out all the details yet. He pursed his lips into a pout until an amazingly spectacular thought struck him.

"I, the great Kieran, have figured it out!" he claimed proudly, a grin on his face. "That blonde bloke in your mercenary group…Gay-tree is his name?"

"_Gatrie_," Oscar corrected with an amused snort.

"…Right," Kieran said, scratching his sweaty head. "Well, you know how he always tried to use those witty phrases to get women to like him?"

The green-haired man thought for a moment. "You mean pick-up lines?"

"Yes!" the axe wielder yelled, practically causing Oscar to go deaf, despite the distance between the two. "In our contest, we will use these 'pick-up lines' to win each other over!"

Oscar wanted to laugh. This was such an absurd idea; the redhead couldn't _possibly_ be serious! But…then again, this was _Kieran_…

"S…Surely you can't be serious," the green paladin finally said, his voice carrying a bewildered tone.

"I am serious!" came a retort that sounded much like a whine. "It's a brilliant plan, you cur! We'll try to charm each other with these lines, and the first one to fall in love loses!"

What an idiot, Oscar mused. Didn't Kieran realize what he was implying with this whole…_thing_? But…once again, this was _Kieran_. Oscar reprimanded himself. For all the years he'd known the red paladin, he should have been used to the fact that the man was totally unpredictable--either that, or bloody mad.

But Oscar loved him for that. Even if he didn't know it.

"All right," the lance user said with conviction. "I accept your challenge."

--

A sigh of frustration echoed in the tent as Oscar sprawled himself out on his sleeping mat. Why the hell had he accepted Kieran's stupid challenge, anyway? They could've come up with something that wasn't as…embarrassing as the task at hand. Oscar knew nothing about wooing women, nor did he particularly care about it. The majority of what he usually focused on was battle and taking care of his brothers.

He was doomed to fail. This much he'd decided.

He only had the rest of the night to come up with his pick-up lines. Both paladins had decided to hold this contest after supper the following day. Oscar didn't think that was enough time, though--what kinds of this was he supposed to say, anyway? He slapped his hand over his eyes to block out the light. All this pick-up line nonsense was giving him a headache.

But hey…they never said it was against the rules to ask other people for help.

With that idea in mind--and that darned headache…he'd have to visit Rhys for some medicine--Oscar left his tent to search for the only man who could possibly help him with this dilemma.

Finding Gatrie wasn't all that hard, to be honest. The paladin figured he'd still be at the fire pit, and he was indeed. The blonde was busy enjoying a lamb leg and a drink with his best buddy, Shinon. Perhaps Oscar could ask the archer for advice as well? The thought let as quickly as it came, though…that would be a disaster in the making, for sure.

"Good evening, Gatrie, Shinon," Oscar greeted as he seated himself on the log next to the blonde.

Shinon grunted in response, taking a swig from his bottle.

"Hell-ooooo, Oscar!" Gatrie replied far too happily. "Care for a drink, my friend?"

"Ah, no thanks," Oscar said with a smile. "I was actually wondering if I could enlist your help with something?"

"Of course~" the Knight sang, turning to fully face Oscar. "What is it?"

Now Oscar faced another dilemma. He wasn't about to tell Gatrie about his and Kieran's contest--_especially _with Shinon there. He'd sound like a complete fool.

Well, he felt like a complete foool for accepting the stupid challenge in the first place, but regardless…

"I...need some assistance with...er, pick-up lines...," Oscar finally admitted.

Shinon snorted. "This ought to be good," he said between sips.

"Be nice, Shinon!" Gatrie scolded before turning back to the paladin with a smile. "Trying to impress the ladies, eh, Oscar? Well, I'm just the man to help you!"

"Need some pick-up lines, eh?" Volke said as he appeared out of nowhere behind them, startling the crap out of Gatrie and Oscar.

The green-haired man swallowed hard, smiling nervously. "Um…yes, I do."

"Well, normally, I charge a fee, but you can have this one for free," the thief said. He cleared his throat. "Hello. I'm a thief. And I'm here to steal your heart."

"Oooh, that's a good one!" Gatrie applauded. "Well done!"

"But Volke," Oscar piped up, "that won't help me. I'm a paladin, whereas you're actually a thief."

Volke shrugged. "Heh, can't help you, then." And with that, he disappeared into the darkness.

"Ah, don't worry about him," Gatrie said with a hand wave and an eye roll. "I'll teach you everything I know."

Shinon spat his drink out, unable to hold in his laugh.

Two hours later, Oscar retuned to his tent with renewed confidence. Kieran had better watch out for tomorrow; with all this newfound knowledge at his disposal, the redhead just might lose this little love game.

--

Sorry if Volke and Gatrie are OOC! I pretty much ignore Gatrie (as in I never use him evereverEVER) so I don't really know what he's like, and...when I came across that pick-up line in my research (yes...I searched the internet for four hours for pick-up lines to use in this fic), I HAD to use that one for Volke. XD

Be on the lookout for the final chapter soon!

Until next time,  
Chibi


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